What To Do When You Hate Being A Mom
By Yennhi Hoang, LCSW
Do you see other moms glowing from how much they love motherhood, but feel like you can’t relate?
Did you imagine you would love being a mom… but are finding you actually don’t?
Do you secretly wish you could give it all back even though your baby is adorable?
Yeah, me too.
To be honest, I absolutely hated being a mom for the longest time.
Yes, hate.
I regularly thought about how I would’ve given it all back if I knew how hard this would be. My child is an absolutely adorable being, but still the difficulties of motherhood overpowered any glimmers of good. You know those moms who are like “sure it’s hard, but so worth it”? I can’t even begin to explain how desperately I wanted to feel that way but couldn’t.
My kid is now 3.5 years old and I can genuinely say that I am starting to love being a mom, which I frankly was very worried I would never get to feel. I felt like something was wrong with me. I worried that I made a colossal mistake of making a permanent lifelong decision to become a mother.
To be clear, just because I am finding more joy in motherhood doesn’t mean that I love it all the time, and still find it quite challenging.
I share openly about my brutally honest feelings of motherhood because I know how lonely it is to be surrounded by people who seemingly love it.
The messaging that most people get about motherhood is that it’s the most fulfilling thing you’ll ever do and it’s the best years of your life. That’s a beautiful sentiment and I am so happy for those who resonate with that. And I think it’s so important to share the variety of experiences of motherhood because not everyone feels that way about it.
When I would share with people that I hate being a mom, most would comment on how they have never heard anyone outright say that. It’s usually downplayed.
I sit here writing to you not just as a perinatal mental health therapist, but also as a fellow mother. One of my favorite parts of my job is getting to de-shame feelings that my clients experience. Motherhood is hard enough, adding on the self-criticism, shame, and guilt is brutal. Getting to hold space for these authentic, vulnerable experiences is a true gift for me because I know how much that benefited me.
Now that I can share about this topic from a place of “scars, not wounds,” I want to share with you the things that helped me get through a time where being a mom felt like the greatest burden. Please feel free to take what resonates with you and leave the rest.
Get specialized mental health support
Wanna hear something wild? I didn’t get my own therapy support until almost two years postpartum…even though I was a mental health therapist that whole time.
While I looked at mental health screening questionnaires all the time for work, it didn’t click in my brain until around 1.5 years postpartum that I was struggling. I remember sending a pic of diagnostic criteria to a friend with a “OMG I FEEL ALL OF THESE!”
Receiving specialized perinatal mental health care was pivotal for my healing. I truly feel like I became the therapist that I wish I had. My own experiences help me empathize with how difficult it can be to start therapy and ask for help.
I deeply wish I received support sooner. So if you are reading this considering starting therapy, please reach out.
I know that concerns may arise around taking time for yourself and the financial aspect. Please know that your well-being is well worth the time and you deserve the support. As for the financial aspect, The Healing Group offers multiple options for insurance, speciality intern clinics with reduced rates, and free support groups. You are worth the investment.
Embrace what authenticity looks like for you as a mom
Some people LOVE the newborn/infant phase. Yeah, not me. Because I had heard another mom share that her jam is way more like 3+ years old, I knew that it could possibly mean there was a light at the end of the tunnel. But I hadn’t gotten there yet, so I worried “what if I don’t even like older kids?” That was a scary unknown.
Now that my kid is around 3.5 years old, I can honestly say that this is 1000% better for me than the baby stage. I love that my kid can communicate more with me. I love that it feels like we have a relationship I’m nurturing rather than a little being I take care of who is completely dependent on me. I love that I can tell my kid I need some time to rest by myself and he can entertain himself for a short while.
I’m not saying there aren’t challenges of toddlerhood, there most definitely are. And for me personally, I prefer these types of issues over the ones that exist with young babies.
So, if you are in this stage and hating it, there is hope that perhaps this phase just isn’t your jam and it gets better.
Authenticity for me also means being okay with the fact I don’t love playing. I love when other kids are there to play with my kid and fulfill that need for him. My jam is the behind the scenes work of motherhood, like planning play dates, buying new toys, researching about parenthood, etc.
How to get through a season of parenthood you don’t love
So now you might be thinking, “okay great, maybe I will like my kid when they’re older, but what do I do in the meantime so I don’t absolutely lose my mind?”
This is something I figured out when my kid was around 2 - I needed as many people as possible to help me care for my kid. I was feeling incredibly burnt out and depleted and could not do it on my own.
I’m going to share some ways this looked like in my life. Keep in mind this is meant to give ideas, but what works better for your life might be different!
Playdates - parenting is way easier for me if my kid is off playing with another kid. To be honest, I do not love playing on the ground with my kid. It is just not my thing. I’m willing to do it at times for connection sake, and I have a time limit before I get cranky. Thankfully, my social butterfly child gladly makes friends at the park/wherever we go.
“Parenting alongside each other” dates - parenting is so much easier with company around. For me, there is just something comforting about another adult there, even if I’m still doing all the work.
Lots of sleepovers at grandma’s - my kid goes down for bedtime happily there, whereas it was the greatest battle at my home, so I asked for help often in this area.
Filling your life with things that bring you a sense of aliveness and joy
To be real, most of the time, I’d rather be doing my hobbies than parenting. I know that some people who love time with their kid and rather be doing that, which is great. And I just don’t feel that way if it’s just me riding solo in mom mode.
I carve out a lot of space for myself to rest and do my hobbies. I do want to acknowledge I don’t think the system at large supports parents to take time for themselves with the pressures of a full time job, caring for kids, maintaining relationships, running a household, etc. So making space may require some creative solutions.
For me, I love connecting with friends, climbing, dancing, and learning, so when I am whole and well as a person, I show up better as a parent. Not always, but better than if I didn’t.
All the self compassion and grace
I once heard a quote that said “if you feel like motherhood is hard, it’s because it is.”
Sometimes, I think we forget how much work it is to raise a little human while also being an adult who likely has your own stuff to work through.
My friend shared with me that the successful ratio of adults to kid is 4:1 — aka four adults to care for ONE kid. That means it requires eight adults for two kids, etc.. So the fact it feels hard that you are doing a job that really requires multiple people makes a whole lot of sense!
Remember, if you are struggling to enjoy being a parent right now, that doesn’t mean you are a bad parent! Amazing, loving parents often struggle with finding joy in different phases of raising a child, and that’s ok.
If you feel like you could use the support of a therapist on your parenting journey, call or text The Healing Group at 801-305-3171 to make an appointment.